Shakespeare - Henry VI, Pt. II "Hundreds" of activists marched on Washington today, in the latest attempt to extort some money from somebody, anybody, in the name of slave reparations, the Associated Press reports. Led by that paragon of tolerance and wisdom, the leader of the Nation of Islam, Louis Farrakhan, they demanded, he said, "not some jive token," but "millions of acres of land." For those of you with short memories, the kindly Rev. Farrakhan was most recently in the news in the last few months visiting with Arafat, and in Baghdad hobnobbing with Saddam, whose regime he supports. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that one. I suppose that violating civil rights, like the right to breathe air that's not laced with nerve gas, is only a crime for infidels, but I'm no scholar of the Koran.

This is a case where a cause has attracted a leader just as whack as it is. Pointing out the problems and contradictions with the idea of reparations for slavery is about as challenging as spanking a puppy, but what the heck, it's a slow news day...

First off, who pays? The recent lawsuit in this matter was filed against three companies doing business back then. Problem is, by the laws of the land at the time, slavery was legal, and there are severe legal hurdles regarding holding companies responsible for their actions of more than a century ago.

Should my tax dollars be used to pay a government settlement? My ancestors didn't even make it over here until well after the Emancipation. What about those of a freshly-naturalized citizen of say, umm, Nigeria?

Secondly, whom do you pay? How will the courts determine eligibility for payments? Will all black Americans be eligible? What about blacks that are recent immigrants? Could it be demonstrated to a jury of reasonable citizens that they are less a target of discrimination than descendents of the slaves? How can one definitively prove that you were a slave descendent? Will blacks that have "made it" and are wealthier than the norm be eligible?

Perhaps the descendents of whites that fought and died for the Union can then sue the now-wealthy black plaintiffs for the pain and suffering that their ancestors endured in the war that led to their freedom. Perhaps both groups can then sue the African nations where the descendents of the warlords that captured the slaves and sold them to the slavetraders live. Current residents of Africa, starving, dying of AIDS, and ruled over by murderous thugs, can sue us for not dragging the great-great grandpappies over here in chains.

Since we will have established the legal principle that those that pay need not have been directly benefited, or even been culpable of the acts themselves, just have a lot of cash flow, maybe then all of those groups can sue some countries like Saudi Arabia, where, by the way, slavery was only made illegal in the middle of the last century. (some would say that their women still live in servitude, but that's a whole different story) Sounds like a great new field for the ICC.

Then maybe this will establish a precedent that could help all of us, or at least those that have law degrees. I'll sue the Brits for the way they treated my Irish ancestors. The Libyans can sue the Italians for the way the Romans razed Carthage, and the Jews can get what's left as reparations for the destruction of the Temple.

Here in the US, let's sue the EU for making us shoulder the greatest burden of their defense ever since about WWI. Women can sue men for not letting them have the vote until the early 20th century. After all, black men got to vote before white women did. The history of the planet is filled with injustice, so once we toss out any reasonable requirement for the timely filing of a lawsuit, or demonstration of tangible damages, game on, baby.

Why stop there? I'll track down the bullies that used to beat me up after school, and the pretty girls that turned me down on dates when I was a kid cause I was puny and wore thick glasses. Hazing, emotional cruelty. Stupid people can sue the bright for screwing up the curve, and ugly folks can sue the beautiful people for making them look bad.

If we try hard enough, and know Johnnie Cochran's phone number, everybody can find a reason to sue everybody else in a vicious daisychain of legal buttfucking that will end up with the lawyers skimming off about 83% of the global GNP as their cut.

Of course this is all ridiculous. The truth of the matter is that these folks, knowing their case is hopeless in court, are merely trying to seek out companies with deep pockets that are willing to roll over and settle out of court, rather than be thought to be less than model citizens by fighting such ludicrous claims, thereby making use of the pioneering model of the master of corporate extortion himself, Jesse Jackson.

Were I a lawyer defending any of these companies, I'd make sure to use the follwoing statement by Booker T. Washington, a man who knew about being a slave firsthand. He wrote this following statement, in his autobiography, "Up From Slavery." It's on the web here. "Then, when we rid ourselves of prejudice, or racial feeling, and look facts in the face, we must acknowledge that, notwithstanding the cruelty and moral wrong of slavery, the ten million Negroes inhabiting this country, who themselves went through the school of American slavery, are in a stronger and more hopeful position, materially, intellectually, morally, and religiously, than is true of an equal number of black people in any other portion of the globe."

He wrote that in 1901, by the way. It is more true today than the day he said it. There are many more Africans trying to come over and live in the US than the reverse. If folks like Jesse and Louis and Al and all the other professional agitators do not believe this to be true, then I cordially invite them to vote with their feet, and prove it, by moving there.

This isn't ultimately about trying to find justice. This is about some opportunistic, ethically-challenged slimeballs with law degrees looking for a big payday, and in the process using the descendents of slaves as cynically as those slaves' owners ever did.

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